Outwardly I behave as if i am Louis the 14th , King of France and inwardly like a frightened small insecure child!
This is an obstacle that is in my way on my growth path. Because I lack the essential habit of learning from my own mistakes; by seeing and analysing my mistakes by frequently looking back and asking the right question:What did I do to create this result?; accepting them as my own; relaxing around them, instead of raising anger at myself, others and the universe; instead of turning the lessons into a new enlarged mindset and a changed approach to challenges.
That doesnt mean that I am not eager to learn! Quite the opposite. I am devouring books, frantically participating in seminars and courses, to eagerly, urgently learn from the best. All in the hope that it will make me better and that hopefully a lot of it will stick.
But, when after all this hard learning-work and putting the teachings into action, I dont get the results immediately, I will go stomping on the floor, like a petulant child! I go into negative self-talk spiral, beating myself up and all the rest of it.
And that is because I feel like I am ‘entitled’. I ‘deserve’ this or that! Because I work hard; because I put in the extra hours; because, because… I also believe that I dont deserve some of the bad things that are happening to me!
What is delusional about all this? It is that inwardly, I have built this safe container of thoughts about what I think that I am capable of, and inside there is a hope that one day, I will truly shine. But because all the shiny golden good stuff is not perceptible, embodied and material yet, I am deluding myself outwardly, by keeping up appearances. Appearances that hopefully prove to me, in my mirror, that I am so clever, and so-going-places in this world.
This is a tough insight. Hard to swallow. And I honestly dont know yet what to do with all this. But I do know now, that if the teachings, the seminars, the frantic search of self-improvement are to have any effect in my material world, I will need to also visit the school-of-mistakes-that-are my-own!
And a word to my friends: forgive me for acting up and stupid!
Over an out!